defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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