I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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