If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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