Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
