i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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