Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
