Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
