sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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