Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
