I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
