I should be sponsored by Trojan
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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