can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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