Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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