seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
