Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
