Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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