Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
