She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
