I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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