My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
