Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
