i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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