Got a toothbrush?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
