the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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