look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
