I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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