I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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