yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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