genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
