Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
