I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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