theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
