I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
