You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If I die, sorry about rent.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
