I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
