I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
