Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
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