if i can run in heels then i can drive
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
