we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
