I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
