Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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