Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
