dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
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