i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hippo gnu deer
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My dick has a subreddit
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
