Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
