I think i peed on brittanys purse
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
