Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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