Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
