Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
