I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
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I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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