Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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