i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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