So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
