I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
